Squall Leonhart (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silentnarration) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dualislogs2019-12-01 10:24 am
silentnarration) wrote in dualislogs2019-12-01 10:24 am
[Closed] Equivalent of shoves in a closet
WHO: Squall, Seifer, Rinoa + Nida
WHAT: An intervention???
WHERE: Squall and Nida's dorm room
WHEN: Dec 1st?
WARNING: Disaster teenagers about their feelings for each other, I guess.
It's just your average Dualis dorm life, except Nida had challenged Squall to a game of Triple Triad (yes!) and then left after one game (why!). He said he'd be back though so Squall got comfortable sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall, sorting through the same lone deck of cards he's grown far too familiar with by now. He misses his rare cards, the rules, actually being able to take cards when he wins.
He sighs... And only looks up when he hears the quiet noise of the thumbprint sensor unlocking the door.
Finally.
WHAT: An intervention???
WHERE: Squall and Nida's dorm room
WHEN: Dec 1st?
WARNING: Disaster teenagers about their feelings for each other, I guess.
It's just your average Dualis dorm life, except Nida had challenged Squall to a game of Triple Triad (yes!) and then left after one game (why!). He said he'd be back though so Squall got comfortable sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall, sorting through the same lone deck of cards he's grown far too familiar with by now. He misses his rare cards, the rules, actually being able to take cards when he wins.
He sighs... And only looks up when he hears the quiet noise of the thumbprint sensor unlocking the door.
Finally.
no subject
If people want to be honest, then yes, she wants to applaud that. If people want her to be honest, that's fine, too. But this is about to get severely complicated and in sincerity, they have all been through so much complication that she. Doesn't want to deal with anymore. She wants something simple. Something easy. For once. Instead of this ridiculous uphill battle that it's been so far.
Basically, it's all a headache and. Well. It's hard to blame someone for not wanting to endure a headache if it's not necessary.
It doesn't look like she'll be getting out, so she figures out how to gather her thoughts and approach things. She has no opinion on Squall and Seifer's relationship. If they care about one another, they should be together and she has no interest in getting between them on that. It might better explain the so-called rivalry, too. She doesn't have to go along with anything she doesn't want to go along with and she has to remind herself of that. She doesn't have to agree to anything. She doesn't have to be involved if she doesn't want to be and she's not exactly immediately jumping to board this proverbial train.
Maybe she'll need some time to be okay with the idea. Maybe she'll never be okay with the idea of it. Who the hell knows, really. She can't foresee the future.
A hand pressed to her chin, she remains standing where she is and eventually shifts to lean against the wall. Might as well let the two guys talk it out since Nida's wandering off like a coward. Starting a big ordeal and then leaving them to deal with it all because he's tired of so-called dealing with it. It's hard not to be a little angry about it, but that can come later. Or not at all. It won't surprise her if she just washes her hands of all of this and tries to move on in a way that doesn't make her absolutely livid.
no subject
Fine, he's not doing it standing in the corner awkwardly though. Making his way over to Nida's bed Seifer wedged himself up in the corner, still hugging his pillow. He's going to make himself comfortable with his back to the wall, and Nida's not going to complain about it. This is the least he can do after pulling a stunt like this.
He heaves an annoyed sound through his nose. "What's to discuss? You two are together. End of story." And maybe Seifer's jealous of that. Maybe he didn't actually want to break it off with Rinoa but had no choice in the matter. Maybe things landed in ways none of them could control or predict. What's done is done. It's his own damn fault he can't let go.
"I ain't takin' responsibility for dividin' you two."
Eos finally creeps out from under the bed to go curl up against Rinoa's ankles because she's the most familiar without being loud right now. Seifer's too angry.
no subject
He shakes his head, eyes drifting to a point on the wall between Seifer and Rinoa. How does he do this when he doesn't understand it himself?
"I don't know. I don't know what Nida thinks we have. I don't think he's doing this to make fun of us. This was a stupid idea but he knows how important love is." Maybe he should be honest first? Would that work? Would it backfire? Would it drive Rinoa and Seifer away?
"I love Rinoa." He looks at her, guilty and pleading in equal measure. He hasn't been a good knight at all. First the thing with Seifer and now this. He hates to see her like this. They put her in this position. "That's not going to change. There's a lot we-- I have to learn. But that doesn't matter to me. I'll do anything..." He holds a hand over his chest, eyes lowering. "I'm not... the best person to talk about this. I'm not perfect. There's so much I don't know."
He runs a hand through his hair and this time his gaze falls on Seifer. This is more difficult to define. He doesn't know what it is.
"I didn't know what love felt like until Rinoa. I didn't want to get close to anyone. If I don't know them, it won't hurt when they leave. The more friends you make, the harder it is to lose them. But you were always there. It felt like you'd always be there." He shakes his head. "I don't know what this is. I didn't think about it that way until Nida said something. It's too different. It's not the same feeling I get with Rinoa but it's strong and real." He glances over at Rinoa as he says this, balling his fists to stop the tremor there. What is she going to think? Things are going to change. He doesn't want things to change. "Maybe it'd be different if we had the chance." He drags his gaze back to Seifer.
"I told you I don't care what you did in the past. I'll fight the world to keep you both safe and happy." He swallows and finally his gaze drops fully. This is stupid. Why does he feel like crying? "I felt the same way when I watched you two dance at the ball. You looked... great." He shakes his head. "I don't care if you still have feelings for each other. It doesn't change how I feel. I'm... happy you're both here. Whatever happens from this, I don't want us to regret it."
no subject
As Squall speaks up, she finds herself looking over to him. He loves her. That's an interesting thing to hear. Does she love him? Does she love anyone? Does she know what love is?
what is love baby don't hurt meShe tries not to think about it too much, honestly. What's kind of irritating is how this conversation goes around her as if she doesn't get to have a say. She tries not to look too annoying and takes a moment bury her face in Eos's neck for some moments.She might as well say something. Nothing about herself, of course. She'd really rather not depending on what the other two intend to talk about. "It sounds like maybe you guys have some things to think about. This is kind of something that existed before I ever entered the picture, so maybe that's the place you guys need to begin at and then figure out where to go from there. I'm not gonna belittle anyone's feelings and if Nida just wants people to admit to them, then I mean, that seems pretty easy and to the point. Say what needs to be said and move on, right?"
Maybe they'll get to leave if they get that out of the way. Nida never said they had to be happy about the end result. Only that they were honest with themselves and each other at the very least. Basically, Nida never even addressed the end result. Irresponsibility at its best. Not that Rinoa can cast judgement considering she's not been very responsible about anything. Ever.
no subject
"We're rivals," He states as if that should explain everything to both. "It doesn't mean there's anything there." Maybe there is, honestly he doesn't even understand what he feels. What he does understand is that this should have never been a conversation to begin with. He only meets Squall's gaze briefly, his own still guarded and unsure. It's weird having Leonhart be the one trying to open up here.
Shit. He sighs. It's probably only fair if he tries to contribute to this stupid mess he's somehow caused thanks Nida. "None of this was ever supposed to be a thing, alright? You've moved on, Rinoa, I get that. I'm a fuckin' sucker who never got the chance but I'll get over it. Ain't like it's gonna matter anyway."
Because he's not going home. And what little time they have here should probably be spent making sure those who do want to make it home can. "Sorry you got pulled into this. Wasn't tryin' to complicate things with you two." He just wanted to steal that one dance he never got to have...
He'd like to think it was a pretty okay one.
no subject
Rinoa is closing off and it's making him panic. And Seifer has been trying to do that since they all reunited so at least that one's expected. Upsetting still but it's something he was working on improving until... well.
"It's not about the past." Nothing good ever happened there anyway, with few exceptions. "You changed my life, Rinoa. I wouldn't be who I am if I never met you." Hell, he wouldn't even be trying before. "You're a part of our lives now... if you still want to be." His voice dips quiet. He can't bring himself to look at them or they'll see how vulnerable he feels right now. It just feels like she's going to leave. He doesn't want any of them to leave.
"There are no guarantees in the future," he adds quietly. "That's why the time we have now is important. You told me that."
When he opens his eyes again, it feels more like he's talking to himself now, staring at something only he can his see. His monologue becoming heard.
"Don't think about what we can or can't have. What do we want if we have a fresh start right now?" He wraps his arms around his knees, almost hiding his face there. "It sounds naive but we have a chance here we'll never have back home, even though things are bad. We don't have to answer right now... I don't think any of us want to be here right now. Whatever it is... if we want to stay friends, or something more, or..." His voice catches. Hyne, he feels like he's the weak little boy crying for Sis again.
"You're important to me. I think you're important to each other too. I think we want each other to be happy, but it's scary to get hurt again."
Quieter. He's hiding his face between his knees completely now. "I won't stop you if you want to go.
Please don't go.
no subject
For once, she wants to try to be a little thoughtful. She wants to prove that she learned something back home. To them? To herself? Both? Probably both. She needs her own validation as much as she needs it from anyone else to make sure she's going in the right direction.
"I agree that we've had opportunities here that we otherwise wouldn't have had. Maybe I don't get to say that because I've only been here for a few months. You guys have obviously been here longer, so I'm sure that qualifies more for you." Really, she hasn't been around long enough to think on anything except a version of herself that she never knew and keeps trying to be. That's going great, by the way.
She gives Eos a gentle embrace before she tries to coerce him to go sit with his dad. Seifer seems to have cooled off a bit. As much as he might, though.
"I've got a lot of thoughts about this whole thing and how I fit into it. I've been standing between you two for so long that I... have kind of been there ever since I joined the rag tag bunch of misfits. I don't think I realised that until I really started to think about it, but it's true."
Her head tips thoughtfully as she continues, trying to be methodical about what she has to say. "The way things happened, we never really got a chance to do anything except live in the moment. So there wasn't time to think or want. It was just us doing what we thought needed to be done and holding onto the thing closest to us because we weren't sure if there was going to be a tomorrow."
Motioning between the two guys, contradictions of a sort, Rinoa found herself continuing. "I also realise that I wasn't as active as I should have been. I watched you two square off and constantly felt conflicted. Didn't stop it. Just quietly obsessed. I don't have an excuse for it. I meant what I said about Seifer in Galbadia. That doesn't just go away. I don't get to pretend I didn't say it. I still feel that way. I assume that's why I felt like I had to be between you guys. I think it's important that we take happiness where we can get it. When we can. We won't always have times like this, so we owe it to ourselves to take it when it's there. We deserve it."
"But with that being said..." She quieted after some moments, trying to consider how she intended to finish and conclude on her end of things. "A lot of this has been really complicated and really hard. On you guys. On me. Maybe I'm not in a good place for it. Maybe I feel like I need some time. I don't know. One of you I can handle. Kind of. Maybe. But both of you... I don't think I want that. I support whatever you guys want because I want you guys to be happy. You guys need it and maybe you guys will find that if you let yourselves do so, but I can't be a part of it. At least, not right now."
And maybe that'll change. Maybe it won't. She's certain she doesn't feel she deserves that pursuit as she comes to terms with just how she's wronged them both by not saying anything sooner. It's not a punishment. Just fact. And in the face of it all, while the words are hard to get out, Rinoa doesn't look miserable. She looks softer, but not unhappy.
no subject
"Not much longer," Seifer clarifies. Not here in the city anyway, the village was different. Of course he also doesn't expect Rinoa to remember or be how she was in the village. She should really stop trying to hold herself to that standard. Rinoa is Rinoa, that's all that matters.
He glances up from where he's been staring at a spot on the wall. "What you said?" It's not like he was present for any of that. So now, of course, he's curious.
As Rinoa concludes Seifer just frowns, shaking his head. "I don't know what you think I'm asking out of you, 'cause I'm not. You guys gotta figure yourselves out. I ain't gettin' between that." It's not his place. Never has been.
"So stop acting like there's some 'us' going on. I don't know what the hell is going on between you two but don't lay it on me." He has been minding his own damn business thanks.
Maybe it's cold, but he's not taking responsibility for something he's kept to himself. Frankly he's a little pissed off he's being forced into this couple's discussion thing at all.
Besides if he were really important then it wouldn't have been so easy to throw him away in the first place.
no subject
"It doesn't matter how long you've been here." He shakes his head. "You have a place. I want to know how you feel, what you're thinking..." At Rinoa bringing up Galbadia though, a look of understanding and surprise pass over him. That's right. She did say something about Seifer, didn't she? He'd been so distressed by the reality of death that it had just been one of the many conversations they've had in their misadventure. He gives Rinoa a reassuring nod before turning to Seifer.
"After Timber, we were told you were executed. Rinoa told us what she felt about you." He glances over at Rinoa and quiets after. What she wants to say about it is her story to tell.
He listens to the rest, to the both of them. He doesn't know how to reconcile this. What is he supposed to do? The fact that they're both still standing here is reassuring though, and a surprise. He'll just have to use it to actually talk. And then be silent for a year because this is going against how he told himself to behave growing up.
"None of us saw what was really happening to Seifer," he says quietly, eyes flicking to Rinoa briefly. "I didn't help him either. That's why I--" Everything he's been doing since he found out, maybe part of it is making amends but mostly... "We can't change what we did so... I'm trying. I want to do things right this time. There's so much we have to make up for."
His gaze drops and then lifts to Seifer, not a direct stare but it's there all the same. "Whatever happens, you're still my friend." And here's part of what he's been hiding since that bad call on the network, that he's been 'trying out' the people who answered the call to help. "I remembered when we first started practicing the gunblade. We were supposed to repeat the same moves together but you were making up your own." It might be odd to Seifer, considering he said he remembered nothing about their early days in Garden. He's looked away again. "We didn't always face off against each other." Maybe they could have been friends if things were different but that's neither here nor there.
"We're not getting between anyone. Nothing's going on with me and Rinoa." Or so he thinks? "She's mad at me because I exposed you like that." He ducks his head. "That was... stupid. I thought you wouldn't agree even if I asked. I didn't want you to be sick anymore so I--" He shakes his head, looking up again finally. This time the apology sounding more genuine at least. "I'm sorry."
SORRY FOR THE WAIT DOODLES
For Rinoa, it's a welcome change. But it's also very overwhelming. In the midst of all of that, even though she doesn't choose to clarify Squall's statement, she doesn't deny it either. In fact, she simply nods along. Oh, yes. She talked about her feelings, all right. Maybe it was the only way she could grieve. Maybe that was her way of trying to force herself to move on. Thinking one thing, coming only to find that things were completely different than what she'd braced herself for.
She's thankful when Squall changes the subject and she offers him an apologetic glance. She should theoretically be the one stepping up and making something happen. She owes it to both of them and she knows that. Rinoa has almost always been the one pushing things forward and making sure things happen. Not necessarily in the way she wants them to (though as often as she can to that outcome), but as long as something happens, that's kept her relatively onward and going. How should this situation be any different?
"I don't think Seifer and I questioned your intention behind what you did," she begins, glancing toward the blond in question to gauge his reaction. He's free to correct her, but she'd like to think she knows him relatively well to make an educated conjecture like that. "I think it was the method that got to me. I tried explaining this to Nida, too." Frowning, she poises a hand to her chin, trying to think of the best way to put it. "It's rough when you have information that isn't really yours to be giving. Since it involved Seifer, he had a right to decide when to 'out' himself, or if he even wanted to. You can't force anyone to get help. I mean, you're a great example of that. I pushed and pushed and pushed and it never really did any good, right? You had to make decisions for yourself to eventually get there. It's no different for Seifer."
She gestures between the three of them, "Out of us, the only ones allowed to make decisions for us are. Well. Us. So even when we have good intentions, if you're using something that isn't yours, hurt feelings are going to happen. But I recognise that what you did, you did out of a good place. I haven't really said this to you both since I arrived here, but... I'm really glad to see you two working together. I'm glad I don't feel like I have to stop things before they get out of hand. In an ideal world, there won't be a reason for you guys to have anything hostile outside of a friendly rivalry." But who knew how ideal things could possibly be. In an ideal world, Rinoa would understand her own relationships with both of them a little better.
NO WORRIES DUDE 'tis the season
Tch.
Maybe he's still a little bitter about things. Which, in turn, meant that about the time Squall was struggling with his confession over utterly failing to figure out what was going on at the time he felt it was the best time to interject his own quip: "Found it so easy to perform the execution yourself?" He offered flippantly.
Yeah it was a low blow. One he might have reigned in more if he weren't so pissed off that he'd been trapped in here to deal with the world's most awkward situation, locked in a room with the guy who went and exposed him on the network without so much as talking to him first. Of course he immediately regretted being such a snappy asshole when Squall went on to call him his friend... He's bad at this. Never learned how to reign in that temper before opening his mouth to ruin everything.
He'd turned his gaze to glaring at the wall again, determined not to make eye contact during this while he was sulking as hard as he possibly could. Still, Squall caught him off guard mentioning training at Garden. "'Course we didn't," He grumbled as though it were utterly obvious. Or maybe he remembered more of early Garden than he'd been willing to let on. After all, Seifer had used less GF compared to the others, enough to lose his earliest memories even so. Perhaps that fed into some of his resentment as well. Their forgetting. Moving on. "You could'a fuckin' asked before openin' your Hyne-damned mouth." He spat. Had Squall bothered, he might have found that Seifer might have been willing to touch on the subject with someone he already knew and trusted.
No, Rinoa was right, Seifer knew why Squall was doing it. Being the proud do things his own way person that he is, however, meant that Seifer took extra exception at having choice removed from the equation. Haven't they all had enough of that in their lives? With Rinoa finally speaking up and being the voice of reason, however, he just went back to scowling at the wall, head ducked between his shoulders in a faint display of humiliation. He knows he's acting out, not helping matters with his snapping, but he can't help himself. Like a cornered animal he's going to bite. It's how he's always been.
It sounded nice, that ideal world. Sadly ideals were well out of reach for any of them.
Do I win this competition where nobody wins. (sorry hi ;; )
She talks and things make sense, even though she's told him before that she wings it just as much as he does but there's comfort in her words. Or maybe he's just biased. Either way, he's eager to sleep for a week after this if he could. He's far exceeded his speaking quota.
He runs his hand through his hair and holds it buried among the messy strands (is it longer now? It is, isn't it), listening, processing. His eyes sliding shut again.
"I know. I'm sorry." He sounds a little miserable but he's owning it at least. "I narrowed down the candidates. It's your choice if you wanna do it after this. We can talk later." He rubs at the back of his neck. What else is there to say? He's expressed what he felt already. Shared more than is natural for him. He's out of words.
"... I'll do better." For Rinoa. For Seifer. For Nida. For the friends he made here. For the friends waiting for him at home. Wherever his relationship with Rinoa and Seifer end up, he wants it done without regrets. That's all he can hope for.