dualislogs | Midnight, not a sound from the pavement

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement

WHO: All residents of Dualis + special guest stars
WHAT: Strap in, kiddos, it’s a ~memshare~
WHERE: In your head. Or, you know. Everywhere you go to escape that.
WHEN: August 15-24
WARNINGS: Don’t forget these if they’re applicable!

It’s been a few months, Dualis, how are you settling in? New arrivals, we know it’s sudden, but we hope you’re making new friends already and settling in well! You’re all gonna fit in juuuust fine around here.

Things have calmed down after the supposed terrorist attacks during the Dualis Days celebration, and there’s still no news about that strange network broadcast. But maybe that’s for the best, right? See, the Head really does have everything under control.

But speaking of heads…

Over the course of these next few days, yours might be feeling a little funny. Maybe you just aren’t quite feeling like yourself. Or there’s an ache that just won’t quite go away. Or maybe you’re perfectly fine! Which is completely optimal, honestly.

Except--that memory you suddenly have. Is that really yours? And what about those fainting spells that seem to come with premonitions...or are you perhaps remembering something you repressed long ago? You’d probably remember something like this, though, wouldn’t you?

It’s perfectly natural to be concerned. However, if you approach your friendly neighborhood MedBot or clinician, they’re going to be pretty stumped. It appears there's nothing really wrong with you, but hey, here's some mild painkillers if you want them. And if you try and consult the Head, all it’ll be able to do is give you it’s most sincere condolences. It seems that there may have been some complications with the transfer process, but these should definitely wear off soon! In the meantime, why not visit your local clinic for a sedative and some painkillers?

Good luck, denizens. Looks like you’re in for a bumpy week or two...

[[As a reminder, these memory shares can happen at any point in time during the span of the event, not just when your characters are sleeping! You're also welcome to have them experience no side effects at all, all the way up to fainting spells and headaches a la Cordelia circa season 2 of Angel. Feel free to reach out to your friendly neighborhood mods if you have any questions!]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"After you defeated Ultimecia," Nida answers, his voice a bit of a whisper. He knows that Squall probably won't appreciate him remembering it, but he has to be honest. He hadn't realized how bad it had been for Squall. Sure, he'd heard others talk about it in the past, but it was only the going too that was weird. Everything else was easy. And it made him sick to know what Squall had gone through.

That no one probably even knew. He hoped that wasn't true, though. Hoped that Squall talked to people.

With the words out there Nida selects his own cards and sets them aside, thinking about the situation of the board.

"You're welcome to take the first move."

Why does he get the feeling it's not the part where he goes too far back to the past? It hasn't been that long since he recovered from that but he hasn't even told Rinoa what happened so...

"I'm fine. I made it out." He's trying to be dismissive. He's halfway to placing down a card when it occurs to him that these memories come with sensation. Nida must have felt everything. He shoots Nida an alarmed and wary look. "... are you okay?"

Never mind what happened to himself. He never wanted anyone else to feel that.

Is he okay? Does Squall really care about the answer to that question. But he should answer anyway. Squall's... trying.

"No, I'm not. It was... a lot worse than what I experienced. But I was only very distantly experiencing it."

And his own trauma was a bit of a mess.

He really does because it's not an experience he ever wants to share.

"It's..." He goes quiet and places his card down instead. Time Compression froze out the rest of the world. He hasn't really processed how it must have felt for everyone else either. It hasn't been that long since he recovered from the Void.

"I don't know how to talk about it." How do you put something like that into words? It's better to bury it.

"We don't have to talk about it," Nida assures Squall. He is more than willing to pull back the offer of conversation. Cards are enough. They can survive on cards. Conversation sucks anyway, and it can lead to questions, and questions...

Sometimes they need answers.

Instead of offering any other options he puts down a card away from Squall's, better to try and not flip first turn he'd learned.

Squall nods. He eyes the card, easily coming up with a strategy. Cards have been a good idea. It keeps him thinking and distracted from the current topic. He lays down another card on an element this time, next to his own.

"I went back too far in time before I got lost. I told matron... Edea everything. She created SeeD and Garden because of me." He doesn't know if Nida knows. He gave his report, omitted the details of what actually happened in the Void, and that was that. Another bookmark in his life.

"Fucking stable time-loops," Nida curses. Because he always curses it. Maybe it hadn't gotten back into the reports but rumors had spread anyway. Mostly because of a word or two from a tipsy Matron.

Nida had done his best to make sure they hadn't spread too far. It would have been killer for morale.

"And you wonder why I wouldn't tell you about what happens in the future? I've learned enough from worlds like this to say there's no guarantee that I'm from the same timeline or version of our world as you will make. Telling you would either be pointless, or trap you once again. And I can't do that."

Not to anyone. Not when there is a chance that there is a version of their world where Elijah truly loved him and would never betray them. Not when... not when there might be a Nida out there who never suffered that pain.

It's possible the others blabbed too. Squall hasn't told them yet before he was brought here but after their time together, he would have told them part of it.

Squall frowns when Nida continues, genuinely bothered now as a thought that hasn't occurred to him before settled in. He tries not to think about those memories that flashed before him in the Void but now... Some of those had been of incidents he never witnessed. Memories that should not be. He thought it was part of the Void's effects but what if it wasn't?

"Are you sure? We could be from different timelines?" There's a hint of urgency in his tone and expression, seeking confirmation.

Is he absolutely certain? No. Are they possibly? Maybe.

"There's a possibility. But without knowing your future, I can't tell."

He considers a few more possible card placements before placing one in position to flip Squall's elemental spot one.

He's silent, distracted from the game.

"I don't... remember clearly but the things I saw in the Void. Some of them never happened but it felt like they did." Garden exploding. Rinoa's death.

Yeah, those things Nida had noticed too. And it just made him nervous, and uncomfortable. He sighs and shakes his head.

"I can say, at the very least, that by the point I'm from, Rinoa's still alive and safe."

Hyne, he hasn't even considered that possibility. He flinches at the thought before slowly nodding.

"Maybe I saw another timeline. A different version of our world." It made about as much sense as everything else. He tries to focus on the game again, taking his time to decide and place a card before speaking again. "... I saw your memories too. You had to..."

He can't bring himself to say it. He wouldn't have been able to raise his blade against Rinoa. The fact that Nida managed to go through with it...

Maybe there is another version of their world where Squall failed and Rinoa was evil because of Ultimecia. That made sense, right? Right. Better than thinking about the horror of another war. Nida is so Hyne damned done with war.

He studies the card carefully, considering his hand when Squall speaks again. The way he trails off really doesn’t tell Nida anything, but he knows his own history. And how SeeDs not trained in his specialty might react to things.

“Wear something weird? Seduce a disgusting old General? Climb a building in the middle of Esthar?”

All weird things he had done that might give someone like Squall pause.

Then again... there was what people saw in the last place.

“Watch my parents’ execution?”

Edited 2019-09-03 16:08 (UTC)

He blinks and looks increasingly bothered as Nida starts to list things. His parents's execution? What the hell...

"No." His frown is leaving deep grooves between his brows now. He shakes his head. He's not going to ask about those. Not now. "The mission with Elijah... And what happened after. In your room."

This is what he gets for hesitating. Make things more awkward than it already is.

Oh. Exactly the reasons he wasn’t telling Squall about the future. Nida looks sick, and he’s almost shaking as he pushes to his feet.

“How much of my room after Kadowaki released me?”

He already knows the answer. Remembers the moment. And if Squall is up on the signs of mental distress in teammates, the warning signs of an approaching panic attack are there.

He's not trained to recognize PTSD or even know what to do with trauma. All he can tell is Nida is understandably upset and his response is enough to infer from that he went through with the act.

"... enough," he says, carefully setting his cards down on the bed. Game forgotten. "Did you survive?" Hyne, he hopes so. But is that really the best outcome for Nida?

"I don't know is the thing," Nida admits as he looks back to Squall. Then he's reaching for his arms, pushing up not only his shirt sleeves, but his mess of bracelets. Things worn entirely to cover his wrists.

The skin there shows unquestionable scars, but they look old. Older than they SHOULD be.

"I woke up in the village in the fountain, healed. And decided to just drown unless Hyne stepped in. And I was saved by Boss. I mean... Iron Bull. A friend and former lover of mine from the place."

There's a long silence as he looks at the scars. It's not the kind of topic that's talked about. Not like this. They're soldiers. They die in battle. Die for the mission. Not this...

"You were never sent home afterwards..." Shit. That's not the good kind of unknown.

"I sent you on that mission, didn't I? Did I know...?" Did he knowingly send Nida to kill his own boyfriend?

They die for love too, don't they, Squall? Wasn't Squall willing to die for Rinoa?

But there you are, the questions. The questions that Squall shouldn't want to know, right? Because of what it might set them into. The tracks of life, they can't escape them.

"I've never gone home since. And I don't want to. I don't want to be dead. I... Back there I won't remember, back there I will want to be dead, Squall."

There's a slightly panicked edge to his voice, and he starts pacing. Starts pacing back and forth.

"You did, but you didn't know what was going you happen. You sent us on a mission. Elijah and I work together so well. Worked together so well. We'd been sleeping together for years before that, before I even took my SeeD exam. He wasn't at Garden when we graduated, or I would have danced with him at the party. He- we... It was the best nine months of my life, Squall, at least back home. Sure, some of it sucked, but we moved from lovers to boyfriends and he made me feel so good. And the whole time the target you'd sent us to seek out? It was him."

Betrayal. Surely that was something Squall could understand. Because Seifer had seemingly betrayed him. It makes Nida sick to think about.

"I beat Boyce, his uncle. The man orchestrated it all. He was... the man I thought I loved died for him, thinking it was his own idea. And you never even knew I loved him. You NEVER would have let me go back to my room if you had. No one knew. No one knows."

He was. Still is.

He turns to watch him pace, and listens. He doesn't know what to say. He could say it's part of being SeeD. Part of the mission. One that Nida completed perfectly. If he was still the person he was before the start of the war, maybe he would have said as much.

Maybe Seifer was right. Squall has gained more than he knows, while everyone else...

"I'm sorry." He sounds frustrated, defeated. He's not Rinoa or Irvine or Selphie. He doesn't know the right words to say at the right times when they're not related to his missions.

"If there's a way to keep you from going home, to keep this mission from happening, I'll help you find it." No matter how futile.

Thing is, younger Nida won't remember. He won't know to avoid the mission. He won't know that he'd be betrayed by the man he loves. But he sighs and nods at Squall.

"You really do try and make things better. Always. You're a good person and that makes life harder. Because you're not the quiet recluse you were before. You connect to people more, and I just... wish I was capable of being a good little soldier for you."

He tried. Hyne how he tried. And it didn't work.

Squall would. If he can find a way to remember, to keep that memory. Maybe he can fight it... futile as it is with their track record.

He knits his brows, not pleased with what he's hearing. He's not good at any of those things. He's just trying to adapt and survive.

"I don't want blind obedience," he scowls. "Not thinking for ourselves got us in trouble in the first place." He looks away from Nida, staring at the far wall, realizing he should explain himself. "It's who you are. You shouldn't lose that."

If anyone could fight themselves out of the drag of linear time, it would be Squall. He's done it before. Why can't he do it again?

"You may not want it, Squall, but you need it. And it isn't blind. I always knew what I was doing when I was asked," Nida assures him. "Spies are useless when they don't think."

That being said, obedience? That's what was trained into him. So had. And perhaps manipulated there too, from Elijah.

Squall doesn't get it. Why do people put that much trust and support in him? It can't just be strength and his abilities. He was the lone wolf that shunned everybody and yet they still placed their faith in him when he was appointed commander. It's not a weight he can just overlook and ignore. Not anymore.

That's the price of leadership, isn't it?

"... you did good."

Because what else can he say? Nida was trapped in a no-win situation.

"You don't have to worry about me." If Nida wants to get out, he should. "You'll always have a place in Garden no matter what." He made the same offer to Seifer. Nida deserves this much too. It's home, after all. A shitty home but still.

Squall will get better at it, don't worry about that. But he bites his lip to keep from laughing. He did good, didn't he? He murdered the man he thought he loved. Applaud him.

"That's definitely against Garden rules."

What? It's the only snipping at Squall he can do because it would be rude to call him out for the whole 'you won't remember' thing.

Edited 2019-09-25 16:51 (UTC)

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement

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BACK!! Sorry for the delay!

Re: BACK!! Sorry for the delay!

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