dualislogs | [Closed] What is friendship

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[Closed] What is friendship

WHO: Squall & Seifer
WHAT: Talking about their issues
WHERE: The workshop outside the city
WHEN: Aug 11 forward dated!
WARNINGS: Possibly things related to child soldiers, mind control, neglect, abandonment?

Ever since that near-disaster of a conversation early last month, Squall has been thinking about how to approach things with Seifer. There's no question they have a lot to talk about, and even more hurt feelings to navigate. The fact that they got out of that one without a physical altercation was a surprise, but hopefully a sign that they do want to work through things.

Still Squall has been putting it off. Talking about feelings has never been his strong suit. Made worse by the sheer reminder that he had let Seifer down back then. He doesn't know what to do about the resentment, the notion that he's 'perfect', or that 'good things fall in his lap'. He can't help but wonder if that's how a lot of people saw him. It bothers him.

He leaves a simple text message for Seifer the night before:

We should talk.

He gears up for the long walk to the workshop early next morning. Boko stubbornly tailing him. The chicobo more of a comfort and distraction that he's willing to admit. By the time he gets there, Boko is half-asleep in his arms and the thoughts in his head have worked its way into an indent between his eyebrows from frowning so much.

He bought breakfast for them though. Some cheap unhealthy fast food.

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~~He might be!~~

"No one cared," He growls, leaning back and folding his arms to stare Squall down. "You think they're gonna care now? Even with you as Commander?" Squall could demand it, sure, but it'll take a lot to change the overall culture of Garden. He's not leaving, but he still doesn't look exactly eager to jump at the prospect. Even shakes his head slightly. "You know there's no way I can go back. How many remember what I did? How many are dead because I commanded Galbadia soldiers to board?"

There is no place for him. Possibly nowhere on that world anymore. "I can't just waltz back in like I never betrayed the place." Sure they forgave Edea, but why would they ever extend him the same courtesy? They never extended him a courtesy.

Still... Squall's open and almost helpless honesty did seem to be wearing at his walls. At least he was losing the hostility in his tone. Instead replaced by... resignation. He is a monster to the world now, he gets it, there won't be any walking back from that.

"You can't put yourself at risk over me."

Squall looked troubled as he listens. Why is Seifer putting all the blame on himself? He was controlled. And they did exactly what they were trained to do - follow orders. Squall would have done the same if their positions were reversed.

"I'm the Commander. I'll do whatever I want," he says bluntly, squaring his shoulders and folding his arms. Even tries to sound haughty though it's closer to huffy teenager. He drops the act fairly quickly though and looks at Seifer again, putting one hand on the table between them. An unconscious act of reaching out.

"I care. So does Nida. The friends you made in that world, Fujin, Raijin..." He breathes deeply, having a hard time maintaining eye contact with what he's about to say. "We have to... let people in too." Yes, he's more than aware of the irony of him saying this.

Moving on. More pragmatic than emotional now.

"You're an asset to Garden. You had access to the Galbadian army. You're the only other gunblader in Garden and you're too strong to be let loose without someone watching you... And I need someone who'll challenge how Garden works."

Look at all those ins, Seifer.

Because he's having a hard time accepting that he was controlled. Because it felt too easy if he did. Because Seifer has always held that bar high, especially for himself, and if he was controlled then that's yet another personal failing. Where he was too weak and fell for her tricks hook line and sinker. Almost easier to simply hold himself wholly responsible for his actions, at least then he wasn't such a weak helpless fool.

"Yeah I'm sure that's gonna go over real well," He drawled, rolling his eyes. The huffy teenage Commander was going to inspire a lot of confidence. He frowned slightly at the hand. Not unfolding himself from his defensive arm crossing, but not moving away either. Squall's trying, which is weird, because no one tries. No one has ever tried for him. So why the hell was Squall wasting his time now? Didn't he realize that Seifer was by design disposable?

"Now, if you even remember when we go back," Which he doubts. He's pretty sure no one remembers. He wants to remember, so he doesn't want to go back. Though he does seem to wilt a little at the mention of his posse. Them he does miss, he does regret leaving them behind. They probably won't forgive him for this. "..." It's not that easy, Squall, he should know that.

As for the pragmatic, it's a lot easier to defend against the pragmatic. "Tryin' to offer me a leash ain't exactly a good sellin' point. What's the next suggestion, the reminder that when Garden needs to make use of the scapegoat I'm gonna be sold off the moment it's convenient? I ain't never been an asset that's not easily replaced. And if it's between one worthless cadet's life or a war, guess what's more reasonable to pick? Off with his head, that's what. Besides, I'm too old, Leonhart. I can't even pass the fuckin' exam you think anyone's going to agree to take me back on board? I was due to be out on my ass anyway."

Pragmatism isn't going to work here. Pragmatic is what Garden is, pragmatic would deem him too much trouble to work with. They both know this.

Squall's face colors by the end so he finally looks away, trying to suppress the rising doubt that he's not made for these kind of conversations. It's not surprising but it's still shameful how bad he is at this. Should he stop before he accidentally makes things worse? But that will put them back at square one.

"I can make you SeeD. You'd be as disposable as the rest of us." Seifer more than proved himself capable in the field. The only thing he wasn't good at was following orders. Squall shakes his head, frustrated. "You're right. I can't change the core of Garden. I think... Nida might be proof of that." He frowns. He doesn't really know what happened to Nida still. Just that it's another sign of a predetermined future. He's leaning forward again. One hand behind his neck. The other still on the table.

Gloomy. He has plenty of reason to be.

"What do you mean 'if I remember'?"

They were never taught these things. No role models. No guidance. Everything a matter of figuring it out themselves. Sometimes they muddled through, Seifer learned so could Squall.

Squall just had to learn that hope and pretty words only worked when you had fate on your side. "So, extremely," He remarks flatly. NORG was willing to hand Squall to the Sorceress to appease her, does he really think all of that is gone? He does nod when Squall concedes the core is rotten.

It's a starting point.

"Odds are you'll forget. We've got no proof any of this translates over back to our world." He makes a thoughtful sound, loosening his defensive hold on himself. "What will you do if you do remember?"

It's still there but Squall has the power to fight against those decisions now. And in exactly the position to have to make those decisions for the greater good. It's not really an enviable position.

The idea that he'll just go home without any memory of this place is nothing short of alarming though. When will the world stop messing with their memories? His grip behind his neck tightens. He almost misses the question.

The look he gives Seifer is almost deer in headlights. It grows thoughtful soon enough.

"I don't know. Try to keep things together. Change what I can." A pause. "I don't want to forget anything here."

It really isn't. Win or lose whatever decisions Squall makes someone will be unhappy. Worse yet,
people will get hurt and some might die.

Yeah, Seifer understands that look. He moves to heft himself up onto his work bench to rest. No point in standing around for this.

"If you forget, it's a moot point. You won't even know I'm gone," Because he still doesn't plan on going back. Not yet. "If you remember, do you think you've got what it takes to change things? Garden as it is has to go. Be gutted completely and rebuilt from the ground up. The whole damned thing's rotten, and probably the very source of what creates Ultimecia."

It's the only explanation for her deep unflinching hated.

Squall falls silent again, sighing softly before he speaks.

"If I forget I'll still notice you're gone. I just won't know why." The idea that he'll just up and forget Seifer is laughable. Unless the GFs take that too. The rest of that though. Does he really have what it takes? Him, the guy who prefers to stick to the status quo.

"I don't know." It's an honest answer. He really doesn't. "I don't know what's waiting for me as commander in peace time." There's the damage to Garden, the loss of faculty and income, loss of SeeDs and cadets, training the remaining students...

His frown just deepens as he considers all that. Can he change anything if he's too busy trying to patch everything up?

"Doubt it. You're gonna be too wrapped up bein' the unwitting political puppet of world leaders," He snorts. Why does he say this? Because Squall's uncertainty hasn't instilled any sense of confidence. Not that he can't do the job but realistically speaking neither of them are really ready for the world they're stuck in. Put in positions to act as leaders when they don't even know who they themselves are.

"Ever consider just not bein' Commander? Or makin' Garden not military? Or hell, getting rid of Garden all together." Or Squall just outright leaving. That's an option too.

Squall shoots Seifer a dirty look. He's trying to be honest here. He can take charge if he has to but it's tiring. It's not something he ever wanted and he doesn't know what he's doing.

"I'm not that naive," he says defensively but he doesn't sound entirely convinced himself. He folds his arms. He wouldn't mind not being Commander. He's done decent so far but he really isn't the leadership type.

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to be," he adds, grimacing when he sounds more lost than he wants to. "A lot of the kids living there are orphans. There's no funding without SeeD. They won't have anywhere else to go. I can't do that to them."

Seifer is unfazed by Squall's glare, honesty is good but that doesn't mean he's getting away with not being questioned about it. Seifer's not making fun of him, that should at least imply he's listening. It's the not knowing what he's doing that's the most worrying, and the thing that'll get him into the most trouble.

"Yes you are," Seifer counters. "Because I am, too. Neither of us know what the hell we're doin'." He knows, because he already got in way over his head. Far beyond what he could hope to handle himself. Squall got by on luck and fate, how long will that last? But... he could understand wanting to look after those left behind.

"Then start something new. Get rid of the old Garden. Rip it up, because keeping anything that it started as is just gonna slide you back into someone's pocket. And them along with you."

Squall tightens his fists, staring down at nothing. Hands shaking before he reluctantly releases it. Seifer's right. They have no clue. All their lives they've just been strung along and misguided.

He's frowning at the suggestion, his expression grim. The weight of his responsibilities back on his shoulders and it's too much. Is he capable of leading a change like that? He doesn't know. He barely has a handle on his own changes. All he knows is that he can't do it alone but even with friends around him, he's the only one who can make the call.

"I can try..." He's scared as hell.

Strung along and used by the powers that be. Frankly, Seifer's tired of it. But how the hell do they pull themselves out now that they're in so deep?

"Or," Seifer hums thoughtfully. "You can put it back on the asshole who put us in this situation in the first place. This shit ain't yours, Leonhart, it's that Hyne-damned coward Cid's." The 'adults' should really start carrying their own weight, in his opinion.

Squall blinks, snapped out from the spiral of thoughts. It's tempting...

"I'd rather not take orders from him again." Cid walked them right into Galbadia's hands. He has no doubt it'll happen again.

"Revoke his power. No orders. Not anymore. You're not military anymore, and you're gonna make sure of that. Put his ass on a short leash, and make him clean up the fuckin' mess he made out of our lives. Everyone's lives. He got to live, keep his wife, keep his future. This is the least he can do for the rest of us he screwed over in the process."

Is it harsh? Definitely. And if Cid wants to earn any respect back then he's going to have to take charge of himself and his failings.

His eyes widen. Too stunned to respond immediately.

But the smile he levels at him after is pure enjoyment at the idea of Cid cleaning up his own mess.

"... You know that's brilliant, right?"

He doesn't even care he just called Seifer smart right now.

Oh shit. Did he just get a smile. Did he just get praise? Seifer's not sure how to compute all of this. He needs a moment to reboot and gather himself. Damn if that smile isn't perfect though... And the fact that he thinks as much is incredibly confusing. He's just going to focus on preening a bit instead.

"There's a reason you should listen to me once in a while." He grins, having no words to describe just how good it feels to actually be appreciated for his contribution for a change.

Does it help that Squall is still smiling? Less than it was a moment ago because Seifer preening is aggravating and he doesn't want to encourage it. But still there because he still likes the idea of shoving it to Cid.

He has no idea how much praise actually means to Seifer.

"Maybe when you have more good ideas."

It should be weird that they suddenly achieved this easiness between them but Squall finds himself enjoying it more than expected.

Let him have this Squall, no one lets him have his moments. Always gotta kick a guy back down. Make Cid face the music for his own actions, Seifer thinks that might be a little bit of justice.

It's everything. Kind of pathetic, he knows.

"My ideas are great, if you listened more you'd know that."

He was right about Dollet, don't forget. He was right, he just wasn't following orders.

Squall huffs. Seifer has always been an ass about it. It made the things he said hard to digest but... he was right about a lot of things. Up until Ultimecia took him anyway.

"I'll try to pay attention from now on." He's not perfect. The future is still uncertain. "... Maybe we won't mess it up this time."

It's so easy once he decided to let people in. Things could have been different if they had gotten along from the beginning. He could kind of understand how sis felt about changing the past. Just a little.

Quietly, he adds, "thanks, Seifer."

After Ultimecia took him then he was just crazy. But... no use dwelling on it all overmuch. He's slowly learning that, it's just difficult not to focus on the regret and vindication. At least now he has confirmation that he wasn't just a monster. That's something.

"Good," Of course he has to be cocky about it. It wouldn't be Seifer if he weren't needlessly over-confident. "'Least we've got a better idea of what's going on." He hopes. Now they might be better equipped to make slightly more informed decisions.

That last part, however, gives him pause. There's genuine surprise there, so much he doesn't really have anything to say in return. Just a kind of awkward head bobbing nod. He doesn't know how to take gratitude, much less from Squall of all people.

Hyne, the last part is the one he'd hoped Seifer would be a dick about. He looks away from the surprised silence and pushes off the table, getting back on his feet and looking around for Boko. The bird is... roosting on Eos's back. What even.

He speaks with his back still to Seifer. They didn't cover a lot of what he came here to talk about. Somehow it ended up being Squall who was consoled.

"I'm gonna head back. I'll bring more water next time. And Rinoa."

He could stay. He wanted to work on his 'office' more but he's buzzing from all this feelings talk so a long walk might be more beneficial.

He doesn't know how to take it. Ridicule didn't exactly feel appropriate. Especially given he didn't exactly get anything like gratitude often. Especially not from people back home. Could have been an asshole, yet since they were being so genuine right now... Squall gets awkward instead.

Let them never speak of this moment again.

"Yeah, that sounds good." Rinoa can come, she might like to know what he's wasting all his time on. It might be good for them to clear their heads for a while. Seifer has plenty to keep him busy. He'll work out the confusion on steel.

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[Closed] What is friendship

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