joy beats oppression but oppression will make you pay

[metamorphotic]

WHO: Nick, Hank, Squall
WHAT: Just some friendly talks!
WHERE: Rick's
WHEN: A couple weeks after the roboclone rising.
WARNINGS: Probably just Nick and Hank's respective pottymouths.

Nick has been notably absent from behind the bar at Rick's for the last two weeks, but she's back on duty tonight. Whatever's kept her from her normal routine seems to have taken a toll on her; she's slightly paler than normal, with darker circles shading beneath her usual vibrant blue yes. If anyone's asked about her up until now, they would've been told she was out sick for a while, and that's ... sort of true.

But enough about Nick - what about you? Nick greets you as you approach the bar with a smile - thin and weak, but a smile nonetheless.

"Hey - good to see you again. What can I get you?"

Comments

[sociallychallenged]

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm not condemning you or anybody. When I was really successful I kept all these clippings around my desk. All the news articles that said I was on the path to become commissioner of police and all this... fuckin'... hoity toity bullshit. I was proud of myself. But I stopped being responsible, started getting drunk, never was on time, turned down some major investigations. Lost a lot of my credibility. I didn't earn it back until I punched that fuckin' Fed in the face.

"And I've been a pretty big asshole, too.... Not for punching the guy. That's been one of my better moments. But that's why I know you can't just keep reciting what you used to do. You gotta take the best of that and keep it."

To save one man's life, he threw away the tatters of that old glorious career. Because at the heart of it, his goal had always been to do the right thing. If his precinct was going to participate in a genocidal slaughter, he didn't want to be a part of that precinct anymore.

"She might be right that they can't be saved but she would be wrong that it's not worth fuckin' trying, you know? Right now she's bombed an event with a public figure which looks real bad to new people, and you guys could have just told us about the clones. Now you have a fuckin' manhunt after you. They're really pissed at you guys and your whole movement is in more danger than it ever was before. The truth would have been a lot safer than fuckin' showing off. It's gonna be infinitely worse than when they were denying you existed."

Tunnels, Travis's number. Right. He can work with that. Maybe there's some city schematics somewhere. He pulls his novel from the inside of his pocket, dislodges a pen from it, and offers it to her.

"Write it down. Better than it being on my phone if one of us gets caught. Figured the book I could burn if it came down to it."

[metamorphotic]

Nick slides over a little closer to Hank to take the book and pen from him. “I know, Hank. That’s what I’m trying to say here - one of the things I’ve learned from the last few years is that people can change and do better. I always thought people were just shit, they weren’t capable of changing for the better, and that’s why I didn’t bother tryin’ - I just became the monster everyone expected me to be. But I’m not still that same girl, and I don’t believe that anymore.”

She flips the book open to the back cover and places it in her lap with a soft laugh. “Y’know what this reminds me of?” She glances up at Hank, grinning. “Signing yearbooks in high school.” She drops her gaze back to the book in her lap and writes Have a nice summer! on the inside of the back cover in a sloping scrawl that’s fairly easy to read, then adds her name, phone number, and network username underneath. Just below that, she scribbles an address, placing it on the page like it could be hers, but in reality it’s the one that belonged to Travis. Message complete, she closes up the paperback and hands book and pen back to Hank.

“You’re a good guy, Hank - and I don’t usually like cops. Shitty as it is getting dumped here, I think we’re pretty lucky to have you. I don’t think we’d have a good chance of surviving all this bullshit otherwise, y’know? Out of everyone at that meeting, you were prob’ly the most reasonable - you and Connor. He seems like a good guy, too - like he knows what he’s talking about, but he doesn’t need to be an asshole about it.” She laughs quietly. “Not many people could take Mello talkin’ to ‘em like that without just knocking his teeth in. Believe me, I’ve thought about doing it a few times m’self.”

Nick leans back against the wall, hands folded in her lap. Mentioning Connor reminds her of a much earlier conversation between them, one where Hank claimed that Connor had done more good for him than his wife. She wonders if that’s still true, if Connor’s still a good influence in Hank’s life, if having him around is a help or a hindrance.

“How’s that going, anyway? Connor bein’ here, I mean. He’s the same one you knew before you ended up here?”

[sociallychallenged]

"Yeah, I remember those. Somehow." He did a lot of signing, and a lot of girls signed his. He was one of those guys. He didn't have much tragedy in his background, not until the Big One. He had the stability and the nature to do what he felt was right. When someone who hasn't ever needed to ask for help suddenly finds themself in a position where they want to find help.

He takes the book back to look at it. Right. Just what he needs.

"Tell me. Can the robots get high or drunk? Caffeinated? Do they think they do or imitate it? And uh... thank you for saying that." It's obvious he doesn't hear things like that all that often. Well, not since his glory days ended. Those brief moments of appreciation are fine. And maybe it's not particularly him they need. Maybe they need one of those boisterous teens or superheroes. But it's still good to hear.

"It's good... well, was good. Until I fuckin' shot my double in the face and Connor registered it as me dying in his system. Like he knew better but it started this reaction and I just... He got so upset that he didn't have time to get more information out of it and was so fucked up by watching it happen it really got me thinking... I hate me but God, sort of got me thinkin' that maybe it'd be best to at least try to save them. To someone somewhere these copies are the face, the memories, and the blood of someone they loved.

"Bad thing is he found out about uh... some stuff... I don't know. We've not really discussed it since then. My fault." He's worried he'll handle it baldy. He already handles so much badly.

[metamorphotic]

“I only say stuff like that if I mean it.” And she does appreciate Hank. The truth is, this city scares Nick, more than she would ever admit, and the fact that the resistance efforts she got involved with are headed by a pair of people who seem dangerously out of control scares her even more. Knowing that there are people like Hank in the city, people inclined toward more stable and sane methods of working toward the same end, makes her feel ... not necessarily safe, but certainly safer.

In answer to Hank’s question about the robots, Nick shakes her head. “I really don’t know. I’ve seen plenty of ‘em in various stages of drunk at the bar, but I don’t know if they’re really buzzed or just acting like it ‘cause they’re programmed to. Some of the brainy types think it’s for real, but it’s not like anyone’s cut one open or tested any of ‘em to know for sure. They’re best-guessing. But I guess ... look, I almost failed biology, so most of this shit doesn’t make any sense to me. But if these copies are supposed to replace us, they’d want to be as realistic as possible, right? If they can clone our DNA and our blood and shit, I don’t see why they couldn’t clone everything else, too. Fit all the squishy parts and the metal together like one of those patchwork blankets, y’know?”

Does that make them people? That’s a higher-level philosophical question about the nature of existence than Nick is prepared to tackle at the moment. But in mirror opposite of Hank’s belief that the copies are people until he sees evidence otherwise, Nick has only seen evidence to the contrary - that they are machines running on programming. And until she sees otherwise - an example like Connor - her view is unlikely to change.

And when Hank begins to speak of Connor, her expression softens. Despite the upsetting content of his words, there’s a current of context running underneath that is much warmer.

“If he loves you, it makes sense that he’d be upset about seeing you - even a fake you - die.” She smiles softly. “You said he’d only been around for a few months, right? So he’s still pretty new to all this having feelings bullshit. I dunno if it was like this for you, but when I was a kid? Everything made me feel like I was on fire, like I had too much in here - “ she taps two fingers against her chest, over her heart - “and it was only a matter of time before it all exploded and burned me down into a pile of ashes.” She glances down at her jeans and brushes a speck of dust off her leg. “Still feels like that sometimes, but it’s not all the time anymore. Guess I’m finally startin’ to chill out some as I get older.”

Nick looks up at Hank again and studies him intently for a moment, and she decides it’ll probably be OK to speak her speculation aloud: “You love him too, yeah?”

[sociallychallenged]

"Jesus, just when you were a kid? I had my honest to god worst emotional breakdown at fuckin' 50." It's a joke that sears across the tongue, though. He'd been a relatively well put together man up until the point he lost Cole. Everything in his life was stable enough that he felt like he could shoulder the weight of the world; and then he was alone with all that weight and it felt impossibly heavy.

As for the doubles, he's at least not going to take any foolish risks. Everyone's been friendly and personable with these things. The Heart has no history of working with any or having sympathizers (which could mean in a best case scenario that it's not been worth the risk to anyone, worst case scenario if one of them tried they were immediately disposed of or still couldn't escape their programming). But he has a lot of faith in the hackers he knows.

He'll try to find this Travis guy. He'll try to get what he can.

But he just nods, a bit morosely.

"Yeah, I do. Sucks to be him, huh? About the fuckin' worst first-relationship-run someone can ask for. I got more baggage than a fuckin' rich bitch on an international flight. I'm really lucky that he sees something there that I just don't see." But he's trying to live up to it, even if he shot his double in the head close enough to spatter blood in the poor guy's face.

[metamorphotic]

Nick laughs good-naturedly at the joke - it’s obvious to her that it’s a joke, anyway. “Let’s see ... born in ‘83, so for 18 years after that, ‘til 2001?” She jokes back, but she understands what he’s really asking, and follows with a more serious answer: “My dad died when I was eight. He was really the only person who gave a shit about me, so I guess I quit bein’ a kid around then. Had to learn to fend for myself pretty fast, y’know?”

Which likely didn’t do her volatile emotions any favors, with no positive guiding force to temper them. But it’s in the past and there’s nothing she can do to change it, and she’s come to more or less accept that fact over the past few years. She may not have moved on entirely, but she’s better than she used to be.

“Hank ... we’ve all got baggage. Cut yourself a little slack, huh?” She quietly chuckles at herself. “Man, I almost can’t believe I’m sayin’ this. A few years ago I would’ve said love is all pointless bullshit. You know that Smiths song, ’Unloveable’?” She quietly sings a couple of bars: “I know I’m unloveable, you don’t have to tell me ... I used to say that was my theme song, ‘cause that’s what I really thought of myself. I never had any shortage of short-term boyfriends and friends with benefits, but I never kidded myself into thinking they loved me. They just liked getting laid.”

Not until she got involved with Kennedy did Nick begin to shake herself of that especially negative aspect of her self-image. She shakes her head at her past self. “Point is, I was an idiot. I’m not unloveable, and Connor loving you isn’t bad luck for him. Out of everyone in your world and this one, he chose you - that means you’re important to him. That ain’t something to just shrug off.”

She inhales a deep breath and slowly lets it out. Talking about this kind of stuff - feelings - it’s hard for her. She spent so many years repressing almost everything she felt that wasn’t anger; she doesn’t have the practice with other feelings that most people have at this point in their lives.

“I know you didn’t ask for my advice, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway, and you can take it or leave it, up to you.” She shrugs, but secretly hopes he’ll take it. “Talk to him. Whatever bad shit came up that you haven’t talked about yet - don’t put it off. Not talking about shit is where me and my ex went wrong. Hell, not talking is where me and my ex-best friend went wrong, too. Don’t be like me, Hank.”

[sociallychallenged]

He looks tired for every year then, really. It's strange to think there are people around older than him that somehow manage to wear all this emotional weight infinitely better, but it shows in ever crease and line of his grizzled expression.

"Yeah, I know. I gotta be more decent with myself, at least. You're not wrong. Especially now." He actually was once a good leader. He motivated a task force. He needs that person again, or else it'll be a lot of dead kids. And they might be fucking magic or fucking superheroes but that bullshit doesn't matter. They're kids.

"Luckily he's real fuckin' cute in a goofy-ass dipshit way, so it's really easy to forget about how fucked up I am." He snorts a soft laugh to himself at that. Behind the scathing words there's more than fondness, there's admiration for someone that was able to give him faith in humanity again. A well put together mind and a heart whose sense of justice felt natural. Not just a token of the old activist age from a couple of decades before.

Heart. Thirium pump. Whatever that shit is called.

"But yeah. I know. I need to work on it. Not just for the relationship thing." Because right now a fuck of a lot of lives depend on him being able to keep his shit together.

[metamorphotic]

"I believe in you, Hank. And you're a hell of a lot smarter than me, so I'm bettin' you can figure it all out without needing to get your brain broken into a billion bitty pieces."

She'll explain what that means someday, if Hank wants to know. But she's said a lot already today and there are much bigger stakes than her own history. Nick gently claps her hands against her legs and climbs to her feet, then leans over to offer Hank a hand up if he wants the help.

"I wanna hear all about Connor sometime, but right now I better get back to work. I won't be any good to anyone here if I get myself fired." She sobers for a moment, then adds: "I'm sorry I wasn't straight with you from the start, Hank. I'm not gonna keep secrets like that anymore. If there's something you wanna know, just ask, and if I know, I'll tell you. OK?"